i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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