Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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