My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
