My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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