So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize