My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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