____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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