remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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