oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
