I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
