if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
