I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
