forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
