Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
