I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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