my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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