Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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