why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
