Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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