I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize