Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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