My nipple is on Facebook.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize