You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
