So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
