I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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