I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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