I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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