Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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