Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
