Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
