Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
