my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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