I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
