when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
