that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
