Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
