go do what you do best...puke behind churches
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
