a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
