my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
