if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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