Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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