Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
