you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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