did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
