I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
