I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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