i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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