Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
