Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
