you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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