You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
