I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
