Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
