This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Your shirt... Was in my pants
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
