That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
