I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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