Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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