Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
