i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
