May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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