I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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