I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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